my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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