foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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