someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
