You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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