I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
