some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
