Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
another moral hangover. fuck.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
