Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I skipped work to stalk him.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
