Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
