Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
