I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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