Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
