when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
