I wish my penis had an off switch
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
