i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
