When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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