So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
