I heard we made out
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
