the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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