Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
