Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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