my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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