so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
