True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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