You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
