I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
