Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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