Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.