I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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