she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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