Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
