The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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