Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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