If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
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I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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