I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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