We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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