Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
