Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
