he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
