Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
