first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
