hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
