I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
