dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
