matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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