I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize