woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
