fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We don't watch enough power rangers
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
