im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
