I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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