Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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