I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
