You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My vagina just recognized that song.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My liver just had a heart attack.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
